I went to Primal Process because I kept getting into relationships that ended quickly and left me feeling bad about myself. I began to suspect that some of these “patterns” I had heard about in books and therapeutic circles were operating in my life because all of my relationships with men ended in painful disappointment. Maybe the problem was inside me? I thought perhaps I might be able to uncover this in therapy. A friend of mine suggested the Primal Process – so I went and I did.
Through Primal I came to know many things I was not aware of. I learned that in childhood my needs had not been met my by family and the neglect I experienced, especially as a result of my my mothers drinking (which left her incapacitated) was kind of abuse. I was not loved. I was not allowed to show feelings, communicate, ask for things, or explore.
I was punished for taking care of myself.
I now know that showing my feelings in childhood brought punishment and as a result I learned to numb myself. Those repressed feelings came out in unhealthy expressions like frequent picking at my skin and hair. I learned not to cry or feel anger. I frequently made myself physically sick with headaches, stomach aches, chest pains or I put myself in dangerous situations where I was going to get hurt.
Growing up, I was frequently overpowered by my father and my two older brothers. I found myself struggling with asserting myself when facing situations involving my boyfriend.
In my family, no one ever told me the “whole story.” As a child I had to fill in a lot of the missing information so I would “over-think,” “under-feel,” which left me confused and out of touch. I tend to recreate these struggles in everyday life.
For example, today I tend to “read between the lines” a lot. Instead of listening directly, I complicate incoming messages with my own thoughts in an effort to figure things out, which only causes additional confusion.
Now I am recognising patterns, for example choosing unavailable men and creating fantasy relationships, then acting as if those fantasies are real and when the results don’t come, I experience disappointment and blame the men.
Thanks to what I learned in this process I have begun to trace my present pain back through past memories until I reach the first recollection of this pain. I look for elements in my present painful situation and that is where I discover the pattern. Many of my struggles today mirror my childhood struggles.
This journey of truth has brought me back to my own being and given me tools which I believe are keeping me alive and healthy today. Since Primal I have been able to stay clean and sober. I am able to stay and be present with the discomfort of my own pain rather than drowning it. Before I was reacting, shutting down and dissociating. Today, I can feel – I continue to experience deeper levels of feeling, understanding and depth.
Through Primal, I have learned to differentiate the present from the past and I have gained control over old, self-destructive habits. I have found a way to end self sabotage through opening my heart, asserting myself and expressing my feelings.
Going back into your childhood it’s not easy, but I have come out from this with brand new skin and a unique sense of me, authentic, fresh, and strong. I found a path to self-acceptance and I can now say I love myself.
Next PRIMAL PROCESS 10 – 16 July 2022, Tuscany, Italy. MORE INFO HERE